Like a tree house, a gym never lets nonmembers inside and always deflects frogs fired from the neighborhood bully’s slingshot. Hurry up the rope ladder with today's Groupon: for $25, you get a three-month gym membership (a $180 value), one personal-training session with a body composition analysis (a $100 value), and three months of unlimited tanning (a $60 value) at Anytime Fitness on Durango Drive (a $340 total value).

Anytime Fitness, as the name suggests, is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and 365 days a year with nonstop security. Novice calorie burners and ripped Michelangelo models alike can take advantage of a three-month membership, which equips bodies with enough treadmills, cycles, elliptical machines, weights, and Power Plate vibrational fitness machines to train them to run a marathon inside of a swimming pool filled with mud. Highlight the results of fat-frying and muscle-mass-magnifying sessions with three months of unlimited tanning in a bevy of beds that paint ripply physiques a brilliant shade of bronze.

Then, during a 30-minute personal-training session, Anytime’s staff of fitness gurus help exercisers set new fitness goals, revise and personalize workout programs, and correct form during strenuous pinky exercises. In the course of the session, clients will also step onto a high-tech Tanita body-fat analysis scale, which spits out data on the body's proportions of fat, water weight, and muscle, along with their BMI. Armed with this information and the trainer's tips, gym bunnies can more effectively march, stretch, or lift their way toward their fitness goals through Anytime's forest of equipment.