Looking younger often requires standing next to something much older, such as a brontosaurus femur or the future. Devote attention to present beauty with today's Groupon to Simply The Best Slimming on Westmount Avenue. Choose between two procedures:

• For $25, you get one month of unlimited use of the VibroGym exercise machine, including three 15-minute personal-trainer sessions each week (a $60 value).
• For $29, you get a one-hour fat-loss ultrasound treatment (a $95 value).

Simply The Best Slimming beautifies bodies with a selection of high-tech treatments designed to restore bodies to fine-tuned fitness and aesthetic splendour. Those looking to trim inches can avail themselves of the one-hour NARL XS517 ultrasound procedure. Fatty areas are bombarded, like the ears of death-metal tour dogs, with 517-kilohertz sound waves, triggering the production of noradrenalin, a hormone that causes adipose cells to reluctantly jettison fat into the blood stream. The Triple 333 machine is then used to stimulate deep muscle tissue, eliminating the now free fats floating in through veins. The procedure is typically fast, safe, and effective, making fat vanish as quickly as any politician foolish enough to stand up to the magician mob.

Alternatively, shed extra pounds and lose fur with the VibroGym training system, an exercise machine that uses vertical vibration technology to help repair bone and muscle-tissue loss while shaking exactly 20 snow globes. A personal trainer, available for three sessions a week for a total of 12 sessions, guides clients through a series of exercises designed to fight fat, crush cellulite, and enhance blood flow and lymphatic draining while working muscles in new and interesting ways. While clients can use the machine any number of times during their one-month membership, three workouts a week are recommended.