Mankind’s feeble climbing skills and inability to digest delicious tin cans are two ways in which evolution left humans inferior to goats. Channel an inner mountain goat with today’s Groupon to Touchstone Climbing. Choose from Touchstone’s six locations at: Mission Cliffs, Berkeley Ironworks, Great Western Power Company, Sacramento Pipeworks, Diablo Rock Gym, and MetalMark. Choose between the following options:

• For $30, you get a three-day climbing pass (up to a $74 total value). This pass includes:
• One introductory lesson with day pass, if needed (a $28 value)
• Two additional day passes (up to an $18 value each)
• Equipment rental for each visit (a $5 value/day)<p>
• For $75, you get a one-month climbing package (a $168 total value), which includes:
• Introductory class (a $28 value)
• One-month unlimited pass (a $100 value)
• Equipment rental for each visit (a $5 value/day; a $40 average value)<p>

Both options include access to cardio and weight equipment and all fitness classes, which include yoga, indoor cycling, core classes, cardio boxing, and CrossFit at some locations.

Touchstone’s climbing gyms outperform mountains with regularly restructured courses, basic-education classes, and cross-training opportunities. During an introductory class, climbing duos age 14 and older spend an hour learning safe climbing practices from guides who took high-school gym class with Spiderman. Wall climbers learn the skills involved in knot tying, basic top-rope climbing, and proper use of belay equipment. Once sufficiently edified, explorers may equip themselves with included rental gear and spend three days conquering the walls at their venue of choice in preparation for a visit to a mountaintop Taco Bell.

A one-month package allows climbers unlimited access to one facility for 30 days in addition to their beginner’s course. Patrons of all skill levels can hone their climbing chops and attend athletic and social events such as competitive Sisyphean boulder pushing. Touchstone Climbing will waive the membership initiation fee of $100 for Groupon customers who buy the one-month climbing package and decide they want to join on for more regular climbing or an extra-exciting place to sleep.