The Pet Mumbler
I’m Jim Vault, the Pet Mumbler. In my life, two things have always been true: animals hate me and I mumble. After mumbling prevented me from securing a job as in my chosen career field (fertility counseling), my wife kicked me out of our house.
I thought I had hit rock bottom. I checked myself into a dog motel—the only place I could afford to stay—not realizing that everything was about to change. That night I woke in my kennel to find 40 dogs growling at me. As they opened my cage to devour me, I mumbled obscenities under my breath. To my surprise, the animals backed down and covered their ears. That was when I realized that my mumbling was a power I could use to control hateful, angry pets. Now I help families mumble their own pets into submission.
I’m proud to partner with Groupon to present a collection of deals for all kinds of pets, whether I’ve mumbled to them or not. Check out the deals, and check out these descriptions of episodes from my TV show, airing Thursday nights on The Earth World Channel.
I thought I had hit rock bottom. I checked myself into a dog motel—the only place I could afford to stay—not realizing that everything was about to change. That night I woke in my kennel to find 40 dogs growling at me. As they opened my cage to devour me, I mumbled obscenities under my breath. To my surprise, the animals backed down and covered their ears. That was when I realized that my mumbling was a power I could use to control hateful, angry pets. Now I help families mumble their own pets into submission.
I’m proud to partner with Groupon to present a collection of deals for all kinds of pets, whether I’ve mumbled to them or not. Check out the deals, and check out these descriptions of episodes from my TV show, airing Thursday nights on The Earth World Channel.
Episode One “You Want Snakes With That?”
Jim is called out to a local woman’s house to help her subdue her son’s really stressed-out snake. The snake eats Jim’s leather jacket, but Jim forces it to burp up the expensive buttons by mumbling some inappropriate knock-knock jokes.
Jim is called out to a local woman’s house to help her subdue her son’s really stressed-out snake. The snake eats Jim’s leather jacket, but Jim forces it to burp up the expensive buttons by mumbling some inappropriate knock-knock jokes.
Episode Two “Who Wet the Dog’s House?”
Jim challenges a Portuguese Water Dog named Knuckles to a staring contest. Knuckles goes to the bathroom on Jim, but Jim wins by mumbling a lesser-known short story by J.D. Salinger, which really annoys the dog.
Jim challenges a Portuguese Water Dog named Knuckles to a staring contest. Knuckles goes to the bathroom on Jim, but Jim wins by mumbling a lesser-known short story by J.D. Salinger, which really annoys the dog.
Episode Three “You Can Go Your Own Way, Gerbil”
Jim encounters an escaped pet gerbil while on his morning walk. He mumbles at it to go home, but it can’t understand what he’s saying. He mumbles at some woman to take care of it, but she thinks he said to throw it in the garbage.
Jim encounters an escaped pet gerbil while on his morning walk. He mumbles at it to go home, but it can’t understand what he’s saying. He mumbles at some woman to take care of it, but she thinks he said to throw it in the garbage.
Episode Four “Cat and a Hot, Thin Sleuth”
A man who works as a private eye suspects that his cat is hiding valuables in the litter box. Jim hides inside the litterbox to catch the cat in the act and when he does, he mumbles the cat its Miranda rights. The cat succumbs and in return, the private eye helps Jim spy on his ex-wife.
A man who works as a private eye suspects that his cat is hiding valuables in the litter box. Jim hides inside the litterbox to catch the cat in the act and when he does, he mumbles the cat its Miranda rights. The cat succumbs and in return, the private eye helps Jim spy on his ex-wife.
Episode Five “I Cast a Shell On You”
Retired NBA star Moses Malone calls the Pet Mumbler to his apartment because he lost a family of turtles. It turns out the turtles are just under a pile of towels, but Jim still wows everybody by mumbling all of the words to ”I Believe In a Thing Called Love”.
Retired NBA star Moses Malone calls the Pet Mumbler to his apartment because he lost a family of turtles. It turns out the turtles are just under a pile of towels, but Jim still wows everybody by mumbling all of the words to ”I Believe In a Thing Called Love”.
