The Guide Presents: An Actual Dillinger Escape Plan

John Dillinger escaped from jail numerous times in his life, often leaving several police officers dead in the process. We devised a friendlier jailbreak In anticipation of The Dillinger Escape Plan's upcoming show. There’s always been something dangerous and unpredictable about The Dillinger Escape Plan’s ferocious brand of mathcore—an apt aesthetic, given their namesake. While bank robber John Dillinger is often lionized in pop culture, his exploits were frightening and lethal. One of his famed prison breaks even resulted in a dead police officer. But what if Mr. Dillinger had taken a safer approach to get out of the clinker? What if he had used, say, friendship instead of violence? Here’s our safer, arguably more fun Dillinger escape plan, completed in five easy steps:

1. Obtain a jar of hot mustard. You’re John Dillinger. Your feared reputation should make it easy to get someone to smuggle a jar of hot mustard out of the mess hall.

2. Slather the mustard on the prison bars. No need for a nasty-looking knife. Use your fingers! Lightly spread the mustard over the prison bars, top to bottom, until they’re entirely covered.

3. Wait. The mustard will slowly eat away at the iron. If any correctional officers walk past, simply explain that your interior decorator came by to paint the bars a more pleasant color.

4. Walk to the exit. Stroll to the prison gates. If anyone looks at you suspiciously, just whistle! That’s the best way to look natural.

5. Be nice to Herb. You know Herb. He’s the schlep CO who always forgets to put condiments on his sandwiches. He stands at the gates, staring blankly down at his turkey on rye. “Why the long face, Herb?” you ask. “Forgot my mustard again.” “Hey, chin up, you big galoot.” “Wait a minute. You’re John Dillinger! Shouldn’t you be—” “Perhaps you’d like … a little condiment?” You hold out the jar of spicy mustard to Herb. His eyes light up and his jaw drops. You gingerly place the jar of mustard in his trembling hands and whistle your way to freedom.

The Dillinger Escape Plan plays The Metro (3730 N. Clark St.) on Friday, April 11, at 8 p.m. Tickets are $20 and can be purchased here.