Oh! Hello. I didn’t see you there. You caught me during my nightly ensmartening, whereby I think about reading and play with my blocks. Do you like blocks, traveler? Well, I hope your trip was agreeable. Welcome to Couponsmere, my lovely old estate—and the last bulwark against the rising prices of the outside world. Do come in.
Couponsmere has been a fixture of this town for ages. Why? Because here you can save. Do you see now, traveler, how the very thing we seek is often, simply, coupons?
Onward, then. See this cherished collection of holiday gifts under $20 from Hammacher Schlemmer, noted purveyor of the unexpected. As with all things Hammacher Schlemmer sells, everything listed here comes with a lifetime guarantee.
The 18″ Talk Back Mimicking Tomcat – $19.95
Here we have a stuffed animal tomcat, 18″ high, which mimics. While it sounds far-fetched, I have operated this contraption with mine own hands. Say what you will to it, and it mimics you in return, in an unusual, high-pitched voice quite unlike your own. But that isn’t all. Pressing on this tomcat’s foot or belly also yields sounds: grunts, purrs, and whines, for a tactile experience young children may not soon forget.
The Telescopic Long Reach Grabber – $19.95
“Woe are they out of reach,” the proverb goes. I have felt the tyranny of distance myself, traveler. A stranded household item may lose its utility soon enough, and it should then have never been bought at all! Do not despair. Hammacher Schlemmer will sell you the world’s first adjustable-length grabber. It will allow you to reach objects up to 44″ away. From your hand. Not 44″ away from your eyes. Depending on how many inches of arms and hands you have, this adds up to a commanding length.
The Shot In The Dark Basketball Hoop – $19.95
Picture a calm and serene place, not unlike Couponsmere. Picture the sun setting, night falling, and quietude ushering the inhabitants to rest. Now picture slam dunking completely and utterly. This sequence of pictures can be yours with Hammacher Schlemmer’s The Shot In The Dark Basketball Hoop. I didn’t believe it myself, either, traveler.
The Lazy Licker’s Spinning Ice Cream Cone – $4.95
I have seen on the boardwalk a select few people that shall remain unnamed that, upon attempting to delight in their iced creams, found the sweetened treat dripping down their swimming costumes. “How tiresome,” one of them remarked, as the prospect of moving mouth and hand in unison grew ever more tedious. Don’t be those people. Don’t you ever be those people that I saw on the boardwalk that day. Buy The Lazy Licker’s Spinning Ice Cream Cone, and get a hold of yourself.
Star Wars Slippers – $19.95
Ah, Star Wars. The famed tale of a space war. Warring amongst the stars in space, foes against foes. As may be clear, traveler, I have not seen Star Wars. In fact, it’s surprising that I knew about basketball. But you’ve probably seen Star Wars if Chewbacca, Yoda, and Darth Vader slippers suit you or the one who may receive your gifts. Don’t ever again let anyone get caught having to verbalize their fondness for Star Wars; simply show your conversation partner these slippers and keep silent vigil.
That’s all for now, traveler. Please don’t mind the manservant Horace staring at you blankly from behind the poplar hedge as you leave. He really is an enchanting man. We’ll await your timely and safe return.