Every four years athletes from around the world gather to compete in whatever country has the most corporate sponsors and enough resources to recycle all of the bottles of power juice that athletes drink. Regardless of where it takes place, here’s what you can expect to see during the event's opening ceremony:

• Elderly athlete lighting a tree on fire to signify that plants can never be athletes
  

• Child representatives from every country marching into the arena to the sound of their country's official brass instrument
  

• Colored lights that spell out "LOSING IS BAD FOR COUNTRIES"
  

• The athletes enter, wearing only body paint in their country's colors. After they start to sweat, any athlete whose body paint does not melt together into a greenish brown is awarded five bonus points for his or her country.
  

• The Happy Waving Man (official International Sports Competition mascot) comes out wearing overalls and leads everyone in chanting the official International Sports Competition slogan: "This competition is for us. This is our day. No time for water breaks, only for play."