Pure-white color is actually the product of all other colors combined, which is why a pot of pristine teeth can be found at the end of most rainbows. Score a mouthful of treasure with today's Groupon: for $99, you get an in-office teeth-whitening treatment at Uptown Dentistry in Park Ridge (a $570 value).
Uptown Dentistry's esteemed teeth tamers, Dr. Ruttencutter and Dr. Chang, enlist the Pola whitening system to penetrate tooth enamel and vanquish symptoms of dental disrepair. Smile-sprucing-up sessions begin with a brief exam to ensure teeth have the structural health and emotional maturity to handle their impending beautification. Next, approved mouths match up with a protective barrier designed to shield gums, lips, and ancient tongue hieroglyphs from any collateral bleaching, while teeth are polished to promote contact with the barrier and maximum whitening penetration. Porcelain edifices are then lacquered in a hydrogen-peroxide-based whitening gel and bathed in a blue light, which together whitewash stains wrought by years of coffee guzzling and bobbing for paintballs. A suction-supplying implement cleans bleach from porcelain parabolas, and dentists repeat the procedure up to three times depending on the patient's whitening desires.
Clients can expect the treatment to last up to an hour, during which they can relax while listening to music through noise-canceling headphones, watching in-room televisions, or staying abreast of the latest celebrity traffic infractions while surfing free wireless Internet. The office also offers a playroom to contain the scampering feet of client offspring, as well as complimentary tea, coffee, and bottled water to sip while waiting.