Well today we've got another great deal for you. Save $17 on Swedish Massages at Lincoln Park Massage. Normally it's $85, today you just pay $68. Lincoln Park Massage are masters of feelin' good. Their specialty Swedish Massages are a great starting point for relieving that Christmas stress, and they've got lots of other wonderful stress relief treatments that will leave you feeling like that holiday death gauntlet never even happened. Lincoln Park Massage is located at 630 W. Webster Ave (map). Now to get the deal we need at least 10 people to sign up today so tell all your massage-loving friends! For more information please see the FAQ on today's deal below.
FAQ on today's Groupon
Q: Where is Sweden?
A: Sweden is a moon colony where aliens have been teaching American astronauts advanced massage technique for hundreds of years.
Q: What is so special about a Swedish massage?
A: First of all, the technique comes from outer space. Second of all, it is very advanced. Finally, it relieves the body of lots of stress. It's hard work on your bones to keep you upright all day and not collapsing under the weight of all that flesh. Sometimes those bones just need a breather and a little rubdown so they can keep on keepin' on. And since the back bone is connected to the head bone via the middle bone, a Swedish massage is also good for your mind. In short, it tastes good AND it's good for you.
Q: The website says that a Swedish massage will rid the body of toxins. What are toxins?
A: Oh yeah I forgot about that. That's the best advantage of the Swedish massage. Toxins are poisons that accumulate and eventually can kill you. You get them in your body every time you eat a Twinkie.
Q: No way Jose!
A: Yes way.
Q: How big are the masseuses' hands at Lincoln Park Massage?
A: Good question, for hand size is extremely important in massage. They're a size 25 on average.
Q: That's not like, disgustingly large monster hands, is it?
A: No, that's just a little above average for humans. Perfect for masseuses.
Q: I don't like anchovies. Can I get my massage without anchovies?
A: You may. Though it is frowned upon.
Q: I found this picture on their website. Why are there stones on this woman's back?
A: You don't need to worry about that. That's not even a part of the Swedish massage, so unless you want to pay extra for another visit you won't be receiving this treatment anyways. But since you're so curious, it's called the Hot Stone Massage. The stones are aligned facing due East on the Summer Equinox. At the moment when the planets align with the moon, it straightens your spine up real nice and then temporarily turns you into a puma.
Q: There's gotta be a catch. Where is the fine print?
A: There is no fine print. Here are the completely reasonable stipulations on today's deal in totally normal size print: Only redeemable weekdays, not good on weekends. Only redeemable for swedish massage. Must redeem within 1 year. Services are by appointment only, so Groupon purchasers will need to call to schedule appointment and verify with the front desk coordinator that they have purchased a massage on Groupon.