Prior to dentists, humans were forced to shine their own teeth with fleets of flea-driven miniature Zambonis. Isolate the icy glow of your smile with today's Groupon: for $149, you get a Zoom! teeth-whitening treatment at Draper Smiles (a $420 value).
Armed with technology and a carefully culled staff, Dr. Fernando Pessoa treats fang horseshoes to the Zoom! teeth-whitening treatment—a quick, gentle process designed to noticeably increase ivories' effervescence. The treatment begins with a brief consultation to determine the patient’s suitability for the procedure, and then a whitening gel is applied to soiled chompers. The special serum is activated by the proprietary Zoom! light, which puts unemployed sunrays to work beaming away stains from coffee, smoking, or eating beets for every meal. As mouths achieve enlightenment, feel free to relax knowing that the results will be immediate and long lasting. The entire process takes about an hour, or the approximate time it takes to house-train a horse.