Studies show that a high percentage of Americans consider themselves overweight, and an even higher percentage believe they are being chased by Frankenstein's monster. Alter self-perceptions with today's Groupon: for $999, you get six Zerona body-contour treatments at Milan Laser Aesthetics in Papillion (a $2,400 value).

Helmed by Dr. Roy Holeyfield Jr., the highly trained staff of Milan Laser Aesthetics laughs in the face of fine lines, fat cells, and unwanted body shapes as they marshal the power of Zerona low-level lasers. Utilizing Erchonia Laser Scanner technology, the med spa’s body sculptors chip away at inches of fat cells on the waist, hips, and thighs with a gentle 40-minute procedure. The Zerona treatment enforces its will through low-level light, emulsifying adipose tissue and evicting fat stores before they have the chance to steal the fixtures from their cellular apartments. Zerona treatments are noninvasive, allowing recipients to return to their busy work or medieval-jousting schedules.

During the two-week treatment period, patients should avoid caffeine and alcohol, which inhibit the procedure's results. Though a boon in the fight against unwanted chub, Zerona is not a replacement for healthy eating and exercise, so doctors recommend staying hydrated and active during the length of the treatment and beyond.