For $49 today’s Groupon gets you one month of unlimited core fitness classes at Pineapple Fitness, a $249 value. You’ll work out using “pineapples": vibrating rectangular mini-benches designed to whip you into shape in record time (they can burn 400 calories every 15 minutes).
If you think "vibrating pineapple" sounds as if it's a rarely used blender setting, take a closer look. Designed by fitness trainer Nick Morris to get you amazing results in half the time, pineapple platforms uses bio-oscillation technologies to communicate with your cells via spinal column. Nick is also a celebrity trainer who helped Robert Downey Jr get in shape for Iron Man. These pulsating platforms rev up your workout and provide serious benefits. They can detoxify, de-stress, get rid of pain, pump up your metabolic rate, and build stability. Pineapple devotees even credit the routines for radiant complexions and a loss of under eye bags.
Right now, there’s only one class available, PineappleXpress. The class is a mix of surfing, skiing, martial arts, and yoga that will get your heart pumping, while toning muscles and increasing flexibility. It's offered every day of the week except Sunday at various times throughout the day. Pineapple Fitness is in the process of implementing two more classes; call ahead to get an updated schedule.
Pineapple platforms are designed to be gentle on joints—these gyrations won’t rattle your teeth and the hamster in your pocket should emerge untraumatized. The 30-minute classes are ideal for people looking to quickly tone up or for busy professionals unable to squeeze in a weekday workout. Shake up a dull fitness routine without logging more hours on the treadmill, send good vibrations to an out-of-shape pal, or surprise your friend who has everything except a gyrating fitness platform.
One Yelper gives Pineapple Fitness five stars:
- I've never experienced anything like it!...My abs were so sore after a 15 minute session that I signed up for a class package. Incredible results that makes my skin feel like its [sic] glowing. – Clint B.
The Pineapple Fitness platform is a remarkable invention that work its hardest to make sure you work your hardest. This is a rare occasion when robots actually work to keep human beings healthier, a noticeable departure from their “Crush, Kill, Destroy” mantra. The next time a robot offers to help you in any way, watch for these telltale phrases to identify a trap:
- “Good morning, human. Those boxes look heavy. Allow me to carry them for you, while you stand on this rickety grate, beneath which there are whizzing blades and upward-pointed drills.”
- “Good afternoon, human. Although I cannot feel the weather today, it is my understanding that these conditions are favorable to you. Would you like to join me for a trip to the safety volcano? There are signs there reading ‘Danger,’ but these signs are a prank. Also, I brought us some skates.”
- “Good evening, human. I trust that you have had a productive day of holding my mechanical brethren in servitude. Perhaps you are tired and wish to sleep? My audio-circuits are capable of producing soothing white noise for you to rest by. Sleep now, human, with full knowledge that I will faithfully wait at your bedside, and at no point lift you up by your ankle and peel you like a grape.”
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