Teeth, the most vain of bones, need constant attention, lest they quit their chewing day jobs to star in their own out-of-control reality series. Shower adoration on your dentals with today's Groupon: for $149, you get an initial exam, oral-cancer screening, and Zoom! teeth-whitening treatment at James A. Pirolli, D.D.S. (a $620 value).

James Pirolli and his friendly staff of tenacious gum guardians wield their expansive experience and advanced equipment to keep smiles stunning and healthy. Give your loyal meat mashers the gift of a Zoom! whitening treatment designed for safe, immediate shade-shifting. This quick, gentle process involves the application of a scientifically formulated light-activated gel that triggers under a specially designed, thrillingly-named Zoom! light. Feel free to kick back and relax as the illuminating gel makes its way onto your teeth, targeting discolorations and transforming smiles from sparkling to most sparklingest. Much like building a cubicle, the entire Zoom! process takes place in-office, which means patients are exempt from additional take-home whitening regimens. Aside from boosting your bicuspidal brilliance, Dr. Pirolli will also use his thirty years of experience as a dentist and dental-school instructor to administer a pop quiz to your mouth, ensuring that it leaves the office free from cavities, oral cancer, and misguided spinach tattoos.