The best way to get in shape is still through an exhaustive program of elective surgeries and daily wishing sessions, but there are some smaller steps we can take toward bodily wellness. Here are some simple things you can do every day to move toward a healthier you:

• Take the stairs instead of spending your whole life only visiting places that are on the ground floor.
  
• Replace your desk chair with a great dane wearing a saddle.
  
• Write in cursive instead of print.
  
• Offer to help lift one heavy thing each day, like a friend’s bookshelf or any wandering bears tranquilized in the suburbs that day.
  
• Try walking instead of driving, and staying up all night teaching yourself to cry instead of sleeping.
  
• Live at the top of a lighthouse for 40 years. The terrific loneliness is sure to help you pine the pounds away.
  
• For every hour of TV you watch, take a 10-minute activity (active, intentional yelling) break.
  
• Never use a knife to do something—you’re strong enough to do with your bare hands.
  
• Don’t ever, ever sit down.