The earliest barbershops were informal gatherings where B-list philosophers gibbered away so they couldn't hear themselves dying of plague. Get an earful of the modern barber’s soothing scissor chop-chops instead with today's Groupon: for $16, you get a men's exclusive salon service at Onyx Pearl Salon & Spa (a $32 value).

The seasoned tress trimmers at Onyx Pearl Salon & Spa pamper patrons with warm towels, soothing massages, and sharp snips. After men enter the spa through astral projection or the provided males-only portal, the 40-minute men's exclusive service commences with a hot-towel application and a soothing shoulder and scalp massage, designed to decrease stress and release knots. Straight razors then purge mangy hairs perched on necks, replacing prickles with smooth skin. Hair whisperers unsheathe skilled scissor fingers and snip away extra inches before utilizing L'Oréal products to launder locks, ousting entangled dirt, gum, and daydreams. Finally, stylists comb, blow-dry, and sculpt strands into classic or contemporary fashions.