One of the keys to success is maintaining a positive mental attitude despite adversity and cruel insults from your digital pet. Here are some tips for staying mentally afloat:

Focus on the Good Things: When you start to feel down, think about your car, your fans, and the future success of your prison-themed women’s-clothing line.

Regret Nothing: Some people spend their whole lives wishing they’d asked out that one person from high school or not cracked open that orb the shaman gave them and drank its fragrant juices, but there’s no use focusing on the “shoulda, woulda, couldas.”

Be Proud to Be You: You can’t be proud of who you are unless your parents finally tell you who you are. Ask them if you’re finally old enough to see the uncensored version of your birth certificate.