Muvico Theaters

If you had to live in a Christmas movie, which one would you pick? A Christmas Story? Sure, if you enjoy the Depression. Home Alone? If home invasion is your idea of a good time, have at it. No, the only Christmas movie worth living through is the one that best captures the frazzled, funny moments that arise at even the most staid family Christmases: National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. In the following guide, you’ll find six easy steps for inviting a little bit of the Clark Griswold spirit into your holiday celebrations. Cut Down the Griswold Family Christmas Tree To kick off a fun, old-fashioned Griswold family Christmas, you're going to need a tree. However, if you're anything like Chevy Chase, you are not going to accept some scrawny balsam that's spent all week loitering in an abandoned gas-station parking lot. No, you're going to spend your Saturday driving out to Abbey Farms (850 Butterfield Rd., Aurora), a Christmas-tree farm run by the monks of Marmion Abbey. After strolling through rows of firs, spruces, and pines, you can cut down the tree of your dreams with nothing but a keen blade and the power of Christmas spirit (they also sell pre-cut trees, if you must). In addition to tending their trees, the monks also oversee a farm store filled with seasonal trimming including wreaths, garlands, and fresh winter pies and donuts. (9 a.m. to 7.pm., through December 23) Stay Warm on the Roof with Blackhawks Gear It’s not too late to drape the house in 25,000 imported Italian twinkle lights, but you’re going to need some warm clothes while you’re out there. Instead of a boring sweatshirt, head to the Blackhawks Store (333. N. Michigan Ave.) and pick up an official away jersey like the one Clark wears when things get chilly. If Rusty (or someone like him) volunteers to help, the shop also carries youth sweatshirts in the home red favored by Johnny Galecki. You can also peruse the shop’s extensive championship collection, which celebrates the Stanley Cup victory the Griswolds always wanted. (10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday–Saturday, noon to 5 p.m. Sunday) Check Out Excessive Suburban Christmas Lights Okay. Your lights don’t work. It’s probably a bad bulb, but don’t waste your night checking every one by hand. Instead, pile into the Family Truckster for a trip to Geneva, where the Parcell Family (813 Cheever Ave., Geneva) stages a light display that puts even the Griswolds’ to shame. Covered in 50,000 lights synchronized to classic holiday tunes broadcast from a low-power FM transmitter, their house acts as a beacon of good cheer throughout the month of December. Speaking of holiday spirit: the Parcell house is also an official Toys For Tots drop-off location, so be sure to bring some kiddie-size gifts when you go. (5 p.m. to 10 p.m., through December 31) Set a New Amateur Recreational Saucer-Sled Land-Speed Record Even if you don’t have a new non-caloric silicone-based kitchen lubricant to add that extra speed, you should still take the time to hit one of Chicago’s iconic sledding hills. If snow starts falling, hills at Montrose Harbor (601 W. Montrose Dr.), Warren Park (6601 N. Western Ave.), and Humboldt Park (1400 N. Humboldt Dr.) turn into picturesque courses ready for downhill jaunts. If Christmas isn’t white, head to Soldier Field (425 E. McFetridge), where a gargantuan 33-foot hill stays powder-packed all winter with the help of artificial snow. There’s even a tow rope to help you on your way to another run. Replace the Christmas Pyramid Wrecked by Cousin Eddie Your cousin-in-law means well, but let's face it: the guy's an oaf. Just look at how he mangled your delicate Christmas pyramid. Those things are heirlooms, and the best ones are only found at German Christmas markets. Fortunately, Chicago's expanded its holiday shopping options since the Griswolds hosted Christmas in 1989. Head to Daley Plaza (50 W. Washington St.), where, since moving from Pioneer Court in 1997, the Christkindlmarket has been bringing Bavarian tradition to the heart of the Loop. You'll find your pyramids in the Käthe Wohlfahrt of America cottage, spinning in varying degrees of size and opulence. While you're here, grab some gluhwein in a commemorative mug (sadly, not moose-shaped) and brace yourself for the return home. (through December 24; see the full schedule) Create Your Own Jelly of the Month Club So. Bad news. Your no-good, four-flushing boss decided to nix Christmas bonuses this year. What’s worse, the rat didn't even have the decency to enroll you in the Jelly of the Month Club. Salvage your dignity (and the dignity of your toast) with a trip to Eataly (43 E. Ohio St.), where Albergian’s Ramasin plum compote and Niasca Portofino’s apricot jam await to ease the sting of this year's Christmas anti-miracle. As you munch, try to look on the bright side; after all, if jelly is the gift that keeps on giving for the whole year, then Mario Batali–approved jams must be worth at least twice as much. (10 a.m. to 11 p.m., daily) Photo courtesy of the Parcell Family.

John Hughes’s Home Alone is timeless, outlandish, and packed with screwball brutality. Whether you’re watching the classic film for the first or 18th time, it’s nearly impossible to not get swept away in its pitch-perfect portrayal of childhood, a time when cheese was the only pizza topping and every basement furnace invariably led to Hell. Home Alone holds an especially fond place in the hearts of Chicagoans, as the film was largely shot in the city’s northern suburbs. We’ve created the following itinerary with locals in mind. It’ll take you where you need to go to relive the film’s funniest moments, from the Wet Bandits’ stakeout to the shoot-’em-up pizza delivery. Cruise By Kevin McCallister’s Home Start your day off by cruising by the McCallister home (671 Lincoln Ave.) in Winnetka, preferably in a large white van. Remember that this is a real family’s home, so only linger for as long as it takes to do your best impression of Joe Pesci’s sneer. The house is largely as you might remember it from the film, with a Georgian–style brick façade and the same asphalt driveway where the inept Little Nero’s delivery boy once knocked over a lawn jockey. Don’t forget to acknowledge Old Man Marley’s blue Craftsman-style home across the street—a silent nod in its direction will suffice. Park in the Pews at Trinity United Methodist Church Just down Green Bay Road from the McCallister home is Trinity United Methodist Church (1024 Lake Ave.) in Wilmette, where a bewildered Kevin found the courage to defend his house. Watch the waning sunlight through the church’s stained-glass windows or admire its pointed gothic arches and ornamental flying buttresses. If you listen closely, you may just hear an inexplicably talented children’s choir singing “Carol of the Bells.” Get a Lovely Cheese Pizza, Just for You At this point, you might be craving a plain cheese pizza from Little Nero’s, but we have some bad news: Little Nero’s doesn’t actually exist. The real world’s closest approximation is Little Caesars, whose $5 cheese Hot-N-Ready is every bit as satisfying as the $11.80 pie from the film. The closest location is in Glenview (3248 Glenview Rd.), where a perturbed Google+ reviewer once heard a few employees using “swear words.” Sounds like the place to be, ya filthy animal. Pay a Visit to the Polka King of Chicago By the time the clock strikes 9:00, you’ll be anxious to get moving. Assuming you don’t have a family fortress to protect, we suggest traveling back to the city for a nightcap at Avondale’s Podlasie Club (2918 N. Central Park Ave.). Inside, you’ll find strings of white lights, disco balls, and a dance floor flanked by mirrors—not to mention bottle after bottle of Polish vodka. Pay close attention to the polka band in the back, as you might find yourself in the presence of Gus Polinski, the Polka King of the Midwest. Just try not to get too starstruck when he tells you about the 623 records he sold in Sheboygan back in the early ‘70s. Photo courtesy of flickr user Dave Hopton

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes comes out this weekend, and though the sequel to Rise of the Planet of the Apes—itself a prequel/reboot of the original series—is more rooted in reality than the '60s and '70s films, we still wondered if a global ape revolt could actually happen. So we turned to Steve Ross, director of the Lester E. Fisher Center for the Study and Conservation of Apes at Chicago’s own Lincoln Park Zoo. “I think the difficulty here is the time-course of evolution,” he said. “These are ‘highly evolved apes’—that’s the phrase that a lot of movies use—and species don’t change that fast. This happens over the course of tens and hundreds and thousands of years.” Despite the general concept’s lack of realism, Ross still enjoys the series. “They keep the core ideas about what a chimpanzee is, what a gorilla is,” he said. “They also use computer-generated apes as opposed to real apes, which has been a problem for decades in Hollywood. [These] movies are the first to do an in-depth portrayal of real chimpanzees without any of them actually suffering. They even got all the vocalizations from a sanctuary in Louisiana that I work with called Chimp Haven, as opposed to getting actor chimps.” With Ross’s cinematic enthusiasm in mind, we couldn’t help but ask him which apes at Lincoln Park Zoo would lead (or try to lead) a primate revolution, should such an event actually happen. Optimus Prime “He’s an adolescent male chimpanzee and is often thinking about how to move up in rank, how he can rally other chimpanzees in the group and move up in the hierarchy. In general, that group is pretty stable, but when Optimus gets in his mind that he wants to shake things up, he’ll definitely provoke different individuals. He might start poking at some of the others until they get upset and scream.” Hank and Kathy “Hank is already alpha, so he doesn’t have a lot of reason to move up anymore. But he’s also someone who has to think about the social network of the group. What often happens is that Hank will try to quell [Optimus’s] little revolution by working with the females in the group to build a coalition against [him]. Hank and the girls chase Optimus around, and that upsets him even further. “Kathy’s probably the most powerful of [these] female chimpanzees. Although males usually dominate females within the group, her role’s really important in terms of organizing the females and keeping track of the hierarchy that’s going on.” Azizi “The need to rebel or the need to revolt is different in gorilla society. There’s only one leader—the silverback male. [Azizi]’s bigger than all the rest, so the others really defer to him. There’s almost no question about it.” Umande, Mosi, and Amare “[These are] bachelor gorillas—three boys that live together. There’s no sort of clearly defined leadership in their group, so the three of them are always working together to figure out if it’s time to revolt against Azizi or if it’s time to stay out of [his] way. They’re all a little less dominant personality-wise than Azizi, but they’re all very different. A submissive individual like Mosi or Umande may be thinking about how they should arrange a revolution, so to speak. Then we have someone like Amare who’s a little bit bigger than Azizi and may do it in a more physical way than an intellectual way. To this point, Azizi is still in control, even against all three of them.” But even Azizi can’t do one thing the apes in the films do: ride a horse. “When chimpanzees and gorillas walk, they don’t walk upright like humans,” Ross said. “Part of that is because their hips are rotated. To ride a horse would be a bit difficult. [And] you’d have to have a pretty hearty horse to hold a 500-pound gorilla.” Dawn of the Planet of the Apes hits theaters everywhere on the night of Thursday, July 10. Check Groupon first for great deals on movies in Chicago. You can also check out Lincoln Park Zoo 365 days a year, both at its Chicago home and through its Great Ape Conservation programs around the world. Photos courtesy of Lincoln Park Zoo