Today’s Groupon gets you 50% off a 90-minute beginner rock climbing class at MetroRock. Normally $40, pay just $20 and redeem any weeknight from 7:30 to 9:00 pm (just call a week ahead to pick your date). You can go to either of MetroRock’s 2 indoor locations, at 69 Norman St in Everett, or 40 Parker St in Newburyport. These happen to be some of the world’s biggest indoor climbing facilities. It’s so big it feels like actual cliffs in an actual mountain range with an actual hardwood valley and river of mats deep below you.

You don’t need any equipment or prior experience to take Basic Top Rope Climber 101 (the class’s official name), and you’ll learn plenty of awesome things from their professional rock climbing teachers, like:

• Equipment: how to use a harness and belay device
• Knots: tying in with a figure 8 follow-through, plus a fisherman’s backup
• Belaying: using a locking carabiner and ATC to confidently keep your climbing partner safe
• Commands: how to communicate with your climbing partner
• After taking this course, most students can safely pass the MetroRock belay check, necessary to climb in the gym

Rock climbing really works your abs and upper body, and who can’t use a little more tone and definition up there? Turn those fatty deposits around your upper arms into rock-hard rock-scaling pistons. And your flabby fingers that are like old, soggy carrots? Turn them into firm, crisp carrots. Fresh, delicious carrots that can scurry up cliffs.

Yelpers’ approval rating of MetroRock (4 out of 5 star average, or 80%) is even higher than Americans’ approval rating of Obama (62%). Here’s a few selections from MetroRock’s Yelp Page:

• “Friendly, helpful and accessible staff.   It’s a very welcoming atmosphere for all skill levels.” - Bryanne R.
• “This is the best indoor climbing gym I’ve ever seen. They rotate the routes regularly and the bouldering area is exceptional. - Jeffrey W.
• “The staff is friendly, the facilities are huge and always changing.  I’m constantly running into people I know here.” - Elaine A.

Everyone knows that the positive health effects, exhilarating experience, and social environment rock climbing provides are second to the primary benefit of avoiding old-school muggers in alley ways. Due to the recession, there have been record-highs of incidences where old fashioned villains corner innocent bystanders in enclosed alleys. The oldest solution to this problem, rock climbing, has been lost by young Americans. Back in the Great Depression, Americans were strong and skilled in scaling vertical planes, and were able to avert the high incidence of alley cornerings caused by the broken economy. But as American’s fitness and intelligence have deteriorated over time, our rock climbing abilities have been exceeded by the children of other countries. First the Russian bested us, now the Chinese. It’s time for America to fight back and empower itself! We need a new class of leadership, and that starts with you. If our children are going to be rock climbers, we too must be rock climbers. Get your Groupon.