Congested waterways hinder the flow of aquatic traffic, traveling dolphin pods, and bottled messages between Bigfoots in neighboring counties. Allow inner sasquatches to freely communicate with today's Groupon: for $89, you get two colon hydrotherapy sessions and two 30-minute far-infrared sauna sessions at Arizona Colon Hydrotherapy & Detox Spa in Glendale (a $200 value).

During a colon hydrotherapy session, an I-ACT-certified colon therapist cleanses internal waterways with a gravity-fed, FDA-approved irrigation device equipped with disposable nozzles for sanitary pipeline purification. The device sends a gentle stream of UV-filtered temperature-controlled water into the colon and through the digestive system, its cascade stimulating the body's natural release of toxins, impurities, wastes, and kidnapped inner children. Although patients may see results after two initial back-to-back sessions, 5 to 12 further treatments followed by once-a-month sessions are recommended to maintain colon health.

Rid body rinds of noxious houseguests in the far-infrared sauna, a 100- to 140-degree room that can induce two to three times more perspiration than a traditional sauna. Invisible waves of heat drift out of the chamber’s concave emitters, striving to penetrate skin and flush out toxins. Possible benefits of two 30-minute marination sessions include burned calories, a bolstered immune system, a decrease in blood pressure, and the eviction of microscopic bagpipers playing under the skin.

Colon hydrotherapy is not recommended for those with diseases of the digestive tract.

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