Keeping teeth clean and white is the first and only step in coping with the fact that your skeleton is slowly escaping from your body through your mouth. Deal with it with today's Groupon to the dental office of Jacob M. Gordon, DDS in Woodmere. Choose between the following options:

• For $149, you get a Zoom! teeth-whitening treatment (a $775 value).
• For $49, you get a dental exam, cleaning, and x-rays (a $350 value).
  
  

Backed by a crack team of bicuspid buffers, Dr. Jacob M. Gordon brings more than 25 years of proven dental deftness to his cozy private office. Zoom! whitening lightens teeth by up to eight shades, removing stains that inhibit the smile's natural luster and helping it serve as a radiant beacon for disoriented delivery drivers. A dental hygienist first rids tusks of lingering debris and plaque before carefully applying a whitening elixir that jettisons discoloration under the exacting gaze of a filtered infrared halide light. Zoom! garners immediate results in the two-hour appointment, granting patients an unself-conscious smile and instantaneous admiration for ivories as impeccably white as a polar bear hiding in a vat of Cool Whip.

Alternatively, during a comprehensive exam and cleaning, Dr. Gordon will scour the surface of each tooth in a hunt for clandestine oral-health offenders—including tooth decay, oral cancer, and gum disease—after a hygienist gently scrapes away any accumulated plaque, tartar, and tracking devices. The penetrating gaze of a set of bitewing x-rays then scans the mouth for tumors, cysts, and bone loss while ensuring that molars and roots amplify smiles from their proper posts.