Before the discovery of dieting and exercise in 1502, Renaissance people attempted arcane weight-loss techniques including exhausting themselves with all-night treatise-writing sessions or extracting the stuffing from each other’s voodoo dolls. Shed inches without emaciating your effigy with today’s Groupon: for $299, you get three iLipo-laser treatments at Synergy Wellness Clinic in Palm Desert (a $750 value). Headed by Dr. Steven Nelson, Synergy Wellness Clinic’s futuristic technicians emulsify fat and smooth out figures with an armory of far-flung laser-light technology. After marking bodily geography for the intended treatment area, technicians arrange targeted laser paddles calibrated for a cellular re-zoning mission. During the course of each 30-minute session patients read, meditate, or practice for upcoming staring contests as light waves painlessly break down fat-cell barriers. As fat stores migrate outwards in hastily assembled flying Vs, their former cellular mansions shrink into cozy waistline-slimming cottages.

While many patients notice a difference in diameter after only one visit, and nearly all see results within three sessions, patients can increase chances of change by increasing water intake, eating a healthy diet, and engaging in moderate exercise.