In the Middle Ages, the wealthiest class—the filthmongers—warded off ear-goblins by soaking their bodies in a thin stew of melted doubloons and Faberge eggs. Revel in a more affordable and effective healing treatment with today's Groupon: for $49, you get four sessions of ionic foot spa detoxification therapy from Pure Life Chiropractic Neurology (a $180 value). Pure Life, which specializes in healing the body's nervous system and its concomitant total health, is dedicated to restoring your natural healing ability through personally tailored care. Doctor of Chiropractic and former killer-whale trainer Roger Borbon can discover what each of his patients needs without forcing them to jump through hoops or snatch fish from his hand.

At the start of Pure Life's EBPro ion therapy treatment, you'll recline into a squishy chair and submerge your feet in warm, soothing, ionized water that may exude subtle aromas of lemon, chives, and eternity. This ion bath uses a field of non-invasive electromagnetic energy to draw out cellular-level toxins and pollutants—neutralizing and eliminating harmful free radicals, boosting the immune system, and improving overall wellness. Each individual Ion Workers Union–certified ion is personally trained by Pure Life's staff to enter your body imperceptibly, knock on the door of each and every cell, ask if they've had any problems, kick down the door when they receive no reply, and drag out the bare-chested, noxious nasty COPS-style.

Detoxifying your body can help alleviate allergies and body pain, as well as boost energy levels. Your body, freed from the heavy burden of toxicity, can reassert its normal, balanced vitality. Pure Life's ion treatment is a ultra-relaxing solution for those feeling sluggish, depressed, and itchy-spleened, or those whose political beliefs restrict them to a diet of discontinued Surge soda and polysorbate 80.

Reviews

While there aren't any reviews for the ionic foot spa detox, patients applaud Pure Life's Dr. Borbon for his admirable work. One Google Maps reviewer gives him a solid four stars, while a Facebook fanatic sings his praises:

• Dr Borbon---you are the BEST!!! You amaze me with your passion and knowledge and your personal care of your patients!! – Dianne Goold Ferguson, Facebook
• Dr. Borbon was so nice and professional. I fell in the ice and landed on my back on a set of stairs...Even after one treatment I am feeling 100 times better. He's great. – Jollydee02, Google Maps

Reward Your Feet

Hands tend to get all the credit for performing such glamorous daily tasks as remote-control operation, putting the smack-down on chumps, and pointing out rare and beautiful North American corvids. But what about the "hands of the ankles"? In addition to supporting the entire weight of your skeleton and barring driveway gravel from climbing directly up the interior of your shin and finding its way into your coronary arteries, feet perform a number of important, everyday tasks:

• Punting footballs, or as they're known in Europe, "Les Futbols Américain Supérieur."
• Facilitating interaction with trampolines.
• Leaving sooty prints on the ceiling to bewilder spinster aunt.
• Shadow-puppet recreation of the Assassination of Archduke Ferdinand that requires at least four limbs.
• Measuring fruit.