Your teeth are your mouth's ambassadors, your ticket to nachos, and the only things keeping your tongue in your head. Toughen your nacho ticket with today's Groupon: for $99, you get a dental exam, cleaning, and at-home teeth-whitening kit at All About Smiles in Seven Fields (a $434 value).

All About Smiles' devout dentists Amanda Manning and Carl Medgaus rid teeth of sheathes of plaque and tartar before employing specialized mouthpieces to chromatically calibrate oral dominoes. Throughout the course of a standard exam, the enamel experts assess gum health and check chompers for decay. A complete scrubbing follows to rid teeth of unwanted gunk buildup. Each patient is then equipped with a take-home whitening kit consisting of custom trays filled with gel to get pearly whites gleaming by removing yellowing and stains applied by conspiring uvulas and their tonsil cohorts during a dinner uprising. The treatment takes as little as one hour per day, and results can be seen as early as one week or one really long nap.