It’s never too early to push your child onto the road to success, and no road is faster and more direct than “Entertainment Industry Boulevard.” If you want your baby to become a well-known, well-to-do, older baby, book him or her a modeling gig today with these tips:

• Just because you can’t spell “agent” without “a” and “gent” doesn’t mean you want a well-mannered man representing your baby. In fact, you’re better off with someone who is willing to chew through and digest an entire stack of ceramic dinner plates if that’s what it’s going to take to land a gig for your kid, which it will.
  
• When filling out your baby’s resume, take advantage of opportunities where you can subtly brag, like writing “Beautiful” after “Eye Color” or listing “factaboutmybaby@hisrashesnevershowupinphotographs.net” as the contact email.
  
• Know which products your baby’s “look” might be right for. Is it a plastic baby spoon that doesn’t melt in the oven? A baby blanket that can sit out in the sun for hours without starting a fire? Maybe a toaster that makes toast but only for babies? These are questions only you can answer unless you mail us your baby’s headshot and a return envelope.
  
• Audition! Audition! Audition! And just when you think you’re done auditioning, let your baby sleep so he or she doesn’t get that classic tired-baby look: droopy skin, eyes wide open but not tracking any movement, tongue darting in and out of mouth rapidly.