Without the loosening effects of massage, shoulders would stiffen into immobility and fall victim to freeloading parrots and the burden of carrying Earth's heavyset brother, Girth. Pamper your perches with today's Groupon: for $30, you get a one-hour Swedish or deep-tissue massage at Bruce Schaefer, LMT, located between the University of Oregon campus and downtown (a $65 value).

Licensed massage therapist Bruce Schaefer (OBMT certification #15180), a member of the Pain Society of Oregon, assesses, subdues, and schools muscle pain and stress through deep-tissue and Swedish massages. Back pain, muscle strain, golfer’s elbow, and knotted antennae are among the conditions that can be curtailed by Swedish massage, which emphasizes long, flowing strokes, or deep-tissue treatment, which employs more focused pressure. Before delving into the chosen modality, Bruce will talk with the client about his or her particular aches to help determine the causes of pain. Massage can benefit both mind and body for many clients in just one visit, and you'll leave with your muscular fibers singing as harmoniously as a barbershop quartet, instead of screeching like the lead singer in a Norwegian death-metal barbershop quartet.