One the hardest things about writing heavy-metal music, be it of the speed, black, or death variety, is coming up with appropriately ruthless ideas for songs. Here, then, is a list of ideas which should serve as adequate heavy-metal song premises. Please send any completed versions of these songs to cat@groupon.com.

• A black tower rises forth from beneath a city. The people are scared of the tower. The sun turns to dust and the moon turns to raw hamburger meat.

• A little boy has been waiting all day for cookies. He knows they will be delicious. When he comes home, his house is gone but the cookie jar is sitting alone in the yard. The cookie jar is full of eyeballs.

• The Frost Giants of Fjallmuir revolt from the tyrannical rule of Orlor. They use dead trees as cudgels.

• A cool car that is also fast

• Pretty much any gloaming, reaving, sundering, or purging

• A boy is lost in the big city. Two ruthless thieves will stop at nothing to kill him. He tortures them using various improvised brutal weapons. He befriends a beggar who can talk to birds.

• A sad king laments the pile of screaming rats that the wizard turned his wife into.

• A guitar comes to life and zaps lightning at the houses of everyone who was ever mean to you, the listener. The guitar also shoots fire and becomes invisible if bad guys are around. The guitar is your best friend and you get to ride an eagle with your friend Kenneth.