For centuries, Swedes were only allowed to contact the outside world through Runic messages concealed within ABBA recordings, slabs of lutefisk, and the "Börk, börk, börk!" of a foam puppet. Communicate with Viking brethren via the language of touch with today's Groupon: for $49, new customers get a 90-miniute Swedish massage from Massage Green (a $100 value).
Massage Green's 90-minute Swedish massage begins with a quick consultation with a licensed massage therapist to determine the stealthiest course of action to quell insurgent knots and muscular protrusions. For the next approximate 80 minutes, tender surfaces are assuaged with long, smooth strokes, circular movements, and cat-like kneading, made slick and smooth with Massage Green's ample stock of organic lotions, gels, oils, or ambrosial nectar. Bodily aches and pains are banished to a nightmarish realm of wind and ghosts, leaving behind an overwhelming feeling of tranquility, improved circulation, and emotional well-being.
Massage Green's eco-friendly approach to relaxation empowers knot-besotted necks and stressed-out spines to achieve a zen-like state of bliss while shrinking their swollen carbon-footprints. Constructed from certified green materials, the serene space dons low light to place patrons in an earth-friendly state of mind that even outdoes the reconstructive chakra surgery they got at last year's Burning Man.
Though patrons of Massage Green have yet to write many reviews of their experiences, Facebookers give it an average of five stars: