Ever since it was discovered on the moon’s surface, organic food has supplanted "things wrapped in fried dough" as the preferred food of healthy eaters and discriminating garbage-scavenging animals. See what all the fuss is about with today’s Groupon: for $35, you get $75 worth of organic groceries from Nature's Prime Organic Foods delivered straight to your doorstep, stoop, or balloon-hoisted sky fortress. Shipping fees of less than $100 have a flat rate of $15, and anything more than $100 is free.
Nature's Prime obtains its organic foodstuffs from a variety of midwestern farmers who use renewable resources and conserve soil and water without resorting to antibiotics, growth hormones, pesticides, bioengineering, or gene splicing with giant carnivorous plants. Its bacon comes from Wisconsin, its fish are line-caught, its lamb hails from the Midwest, and its fresh fruit is delivered via a giant suction tube directly from the Brazilian jungle.
Tasty organic items such as Nature's Prime's Otter Creek seasonal cheese ($43.20 for four 8 oz. samples), baby-back ribs ($17.75 for 1.25 lbs.), and chicken thigh and leg combo packs ($20.34 for 1.75 lbs.) provide a higher-octane fuel for your food-injected stomach engine. Cut out grocery-store middlemen and squeaky-wheeled shopping carts with today's Groupon to Nature's Prime Organic Foods.
Groupon Says
The Groupon Guide to: The Writings of Nostradamus
Even though the average citizen learned everything he or she absolutely must know in kindergarten, comprehension of the future can also come in handy. For this reason, the following is a guide to history's greatest future-knower, Nostradamus:
Writing the First:
In the time of the mechanical counting machines, 11 years past the millennial turn, o'er the entire land shall spread fire insatiable, ashen shall be all endeavors previously wrought.
Interpretation: Keep on trucking! The fire represents a positive energy sweeping over the imaginations of all those who go to see X-Men: First Class on the release date.
Writing the Second:
During the reign of fire aforementioned, the skeletons of the wicked shalt melt in a manner most slow, and those who endure shalt envy the melted of bone as the scorpions gain domain over all who walk the earth.
Interpretation: No frowns in this town! The year 2011 will be the year that your hardened, bony guilt will melt away and the scorpion that is your true potential will sting the eyeball that is your self-doubt.
Writing the Third:
Blood shall be the earth's new currency, the gnashing of teeth the chorus of the night.
Interpretation: Laugh attack! Steve Carell will leave The Office but will go on to star in Dan in Real Life 2: Virtual Insanity.
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