Many of life’s situations will thrust you into a moment of tension, be it an interpersonal conflict, an awkward silence, or an indeterminate stare from an animal that may or may not eat human flesh. Break these common moments of tension:

Situation: While on a casual baseball-park outing with a coworker, the two of you pop up on the “Will-You-Marry-Me” JumboTron cam.
Break the Tension: “Looks like you were made for me! By which I mean, biologically speaking, I essentially see you as furniture.” (Close with a firm handshake)

Situation: As an adult, you walk in on your father applying clown makeup for a gig at a local birthday party.
Break the Tension: “I respect you, but I don’t want to be you.” (Close with a firm handshake)

Situation: You are stuck on an elevator with a former romantic partner who you unceremoniously dumped.
Break the Tension: “I know I’m the last person you want to be here with right now, and we have a history, but there is a prophecy that a child conceived between floors shall, in life, know no walls. We should at least briefly consider the merits of taking this moment alone together to bear this modern God-King.” (No matter their response, close with a firm handshake)