Most of the rain we enjoy in the Northern Hemisphere is imported in wooden crates from the lush and vibrant rain forests of South America, where rain is plentiful because of the constantly weeping tree population. The tree tears, or "las lágrimas de los árboles," as they are locally known, accumulate as mist, or "land clouds" where they are harvested by local rain farmers using fine mesh nets.

The ripest and most choice raindrops often break from the mist, accumulating in the surrounding mud, where they can be recovered by hand, a job usually reserved for children because of their proximity to the ground and love of being punished. The rain is then packed in cool, damp straw and sent via freighter, or if weather permits, in the jowls of specially trained pelicans.

Once the rain arrives, it is carefully unpacked by artisan rain handlers known as Wellingtons and separated into individual drops, of which no two are mathematically alike, largely from carelessness. As per the request of helpful, unnamed corporations, a small amount of industrial acid is added to each batch to keep Canadians "scrappy."

The next time you're caught in a rainstorm, don't curse your broken umbrella. Remember, a lot of people worked hard to turn you into a sopping dishrag of a person who smells like the inside of a wet tire; from the tearpickers to the drop shapers to the corporations who want to assure you that you're not growing scales, it's just seasonal itchiness.