Like a piece of cake left out on a countertop, the human body gets kind of stale and crumbly over time. Here are some ways you can slow the aging process down to a brisk jog:

Heart: The human heart will only beat so many times (exactly 26,000) before dissolving into a fine paste. Keep it running longer by lowering your heart rate every day, either with several 20-minute ice baths or, if your place of work is without ice bath, simply by sleeping in the freezer.

Nails: Healthy nails, which are defined as “over 6 inches in length and real sharp at the tip parts,” can be maintained well into early-middle age with a diet heavy in protein-rich foods such as steak or apples that have been cored and stuffed with lean pork chops.

Hair: If your hair is going gray, or “glooming,” shave it off. This won’t slow down the aging process, but now you’ll look exactly the way you did when you were born, which could trick your body into reverse aging.

Skin: Rub Dr. Rod Blenner’s Balmy-Bod Body Balm all over your face (before applying it to your face, test on a dime-size patch of skin, preferably one that has never been exposed to sunlight). Remember, that’s Dr. Rod Blenner’s Balmy-Bod Body Balm—when it’s on you, it’s eventually in you.

Eyes: Carrots are supposed to be good for eyesight. Eat a bunch of those. Or if you can’t stand the naturally disgusting flavor of a carrot, try the next closest thing—a frosting tube filled with orange-colored icing.