It’s a well-documented fact of science that ghosts linger in homes due to the “unfinished business” that prevents them from passing into the afterlife. Unfortunately, ghosts are cryptic communicators at best. Analyze these common spectral signals in order to help them move on:
If the ghost is opening and slamming your cabinets: The ghost is obviously a chef who never mastered their final recipe: dipping a spoonful of peanut butter into the bag of chocolate chips. Perform this ritual every night until your body can no longer enjoy it and/or the noises cease.
If the ghost is clattering away at a typewriter: The ghost is most likely a failed author who never completed the Great American Novel. Inspire it to write a story of star-crossed love between a ghost and a living human whom it can never touch—because ghosts are made largely of wet smoke.
If the ghost endlessly bellows, “Find my husband; tell him all is forgiven”: Good news—the word “husband” is ghost code for “treasure.” The ghost is trying to tell you that it doesn’t need material wealth in the afterlife and considers it “for-given” to you! Tear apart your home and yard with a claw hammer until you hear it clink against sweet, sweet ghost gold.