It is incumbent upon the learned of a society to help those with lesser cranial machinations. That is why we have started The Groupon Guiding Light: Real Advice for Real People. Because here at The Groupon Guide, we know that Knowledge Is Helping™. (To receive your own Groupon Guiding Light in the next installment, email a problem that needs advice to cat@groupon.com.)
Problem:
Dear TGGL:RAFRP,
My bf of five years still won’t move in with me. Should I stick with him or move on?
—B. Sanderson
Guiding Light: Many advicetronauts (industry term) would suggest that you analyze whether or not this relationship is going anywhere. That’s dumb. Perhaps your house is not cool enough. How many marble pillars are there? If you are able to tally them without losing count, the answer is not enough. Make it nice. Hang some paintings of old Italian horses fighting or bowls with fruit in them. Get it together, B. Sanderson.
Problem:
Dear TGGL:RAFRP,
My dog has been acting really strange lately. He wakes me up barking and sometimes even growls at me and bares his teeth. What should I do?
—Tony R.
Guiding Light: Dogs are beautiful, innocent creatures whose eyes seek justice and whose hearts live in the truth. Your dog is angry because it knows about all of your wrongdoings (slander, pickpocketing, lewd art, bad body smells, etc.) and now it wants to hold you accountable. Let your perfect pooch shower its wrath upon your home and family so that you can finally be free of sin.
Problem:
Dear TGGL:RAFRP,
I'm 24 and still unsure what to do with my life. I tried art and wasn't any good and didn't excel at photography. I hate corporate culture. Please help me find direction.
—Laura D.
Guiding Light: According to an online personality quiz we took on your behalf, you're a Seeker, Not a Five-Days-a-Weeker! Continue pursuing various idle hobbies, ideally at the expense of a parent or significant other. Eventually you may find one you excel at—if not, you can always move to a country where idleness is appreciated, i.e. every country but America.
Problem:
Dear TGGL:RAFRP,
I'm not good at cooking, but I told this girl I was. She's coming over for a dinner date next week and I have no idea what to do. What is an easy way to look like a good cook?
—Stephen B.
Guiding Light: If you aren't the best chef, fool her by wearing one of those floppy chef hats and using fake skin to cover your hands in thick, hideous calluses, which professional chefs have from years of handling frying pans with no gloves. Also, I guess buy some food from a food store.
Seriously, to receive your own Groupon Guiding Light in the next installment, email a problem that needs advice to cat@groupon.com.
