People buy houses when they're ready to settle down and tired of impermanent living arrangements, such as living with parents in log cabins made of butter. Acquire a more permanent abode with today's Groupon: for $25, you get a $1,000 cash gift at the time of closing on a house with Dream Town Realty, located on North Sedgwick, Lincoln Park, West Loop, and Lincoln Square. This Groupon requires a minimum transaction of $150,000.
A rapidly growing business with the highest percentage of Chicago Association of Realtors Top Producers in the city, Dream Town Realty matches home sellers with homebuyers during mutually beneficial exchanges of houses, condos, and residential tree houses in Chicago and the surrounding areas. Prospective buyers can browse an online database of more than 200,000 properties to quickly zero in on dwellings that are in their price range and have built-in cheetah cages. The negotiation know-how and trend-spotting savvy of Dream Town's 165 knowledgeable agents guide both buyers and sellers through turbulent, sea-monster-infested real-estate waters. Throughout the process, agents can be reached by phone or email 24/7 in case clients have urgent questions about Babe Ruth's batting average or the pronunciation of the word "pusillanimous."
Sellers must list with Dream Town by April 9, 2012, and buyers must both close the sale and redeem their Groupon by the same date to get $1,000 in cash from Dream Town's coffers. This cash gift can be used to feed wallets, but be advised—it might ruin their appetites for smaller bills.
Groupon Says
The Groupon Guide to: Sun Protection
Strong enough to power all life on Earth and confident enough to disappear every night, the sun is a fearsome force whose destructive might is matched only by its desire to harm humans. Protect yourself against its harsh rays using these optional, mandatory tips:
Invest in Sunscreen: Slathering the viscous topical product on your skin will not only convert the sun's UV rays into energy (saving you the need to consume food), it could also make you a millionaire. Sunscreen is composed mostly of aluminum (periodic symbol A) and uranium (periodic symbol U)—the two main components of gold (periodic symbol Au). Removing the excess chemicals from sunscreen is still how Wal-Mart makes most of its money.
Stay Indoors: Though it recently gained the ability to shine through clear windows (in 1978), sunlight cannot yet pass through even the thinnest of walls. Stay safely ensconced in windowless rooms as often as possible to ensure that the sun's warming rays don't catch your arm hairs on fire. If you need heat, simply put your microwave inside your oven and turn them both on with the doors open.
Know Your Enemy: The sun, like Santa Claus, knows when you're sleeping, knows when you're awake, and is actively being hunted down by NASA scientists bent on capturing and studying it. Nothing you do escapes the sun's omniscience, so learn more about the brightly burning eye in the sky by staring directly at it to identify its weak points. (Hint: it doesn't have any.)
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