In the animal kingdom, football is played with cheetah running backs, buffalo linemen, and a seagull that is forced to curl up and act as the ball. Catch humanity’s version of the animals’ gridiron gallantry with today’s GrouponLive deal to the Columbia Lions home football game against the Yale Bulldogs at Robert K. Kraft Field on Saturday, October 29, at 12 p.m. Choose between the following options:
- For $10, you get two reserved bench seats (a $20 value).
- For $25, you get two chairback seats (a $50 value).
Throughout the game, fans cheer and jeer from the lofty chairback or close-to-the-action bench sections of the 17,000-capacity Robert K. Kraft Field while watching Manhattan’s only NCAA Division I football team take on the Yale Bulldogs. After helping the team post four or more wins in consecutive seasons for the first time since 1997–98, six-year Head Coach Norries Wilson has stacked this year’s roster with top-notch student-athletes. Junior quarterback and First-Team All-Ivy selection Sean Brackett puts both his brawn and his education to good use, whispering Sartre quotes into opponents’ ears to make them question the meaning of existence instead of his receivers’ complex routes. Senior defensive back and fellow captain Ross Morand shouts out orders on the other side of the ball, anchoring the defense with his drive-killing plays and apologizing to referees when his fellow Lions accidentally maul the football.
Groupon Says
The Groupon Guide to: Apologizing
Like the testimony of orphans and student nurses, apologies constitute irrefutable evidence in a court of law and therefore must be used carefully. Consult this handy guide to seeming like you're sorry:
Pinpoint the Error: Ninety percent of mistakes have to do with carrying a pie in the wrong kind of container or misusing someone else’s catchphrase. Once you’ve pinpointed your offense, you can properly catalog it in your Badnesses Cabinet.
Make Eye Contact: If you can hold someone’s eyes, you can lock onto their soul and steal the piece of it that’s mad at you.
Vocalize Effectively: Saying “sorry” lacks specificity; saying “sorry you took enough German in high school to recognize that I was swearing at you” lets the recipient of your apology know that they were also partially at fault.
Atone: Besides the ability to write in cursive, humanity’s ability to teach ourselves a lesson is the only thing that separates us from coat racks. Punish yourself by spending a day using only analog time tellers or depriving your body of satisfying nut products.
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