Germs are unavoidable: they flutter through the air, they drill through your dermis with their auger-like snouts, and they hide where you least expect it—in the laugh of a child. Here's what you need to know about these pathogenic microorganisms:

The Germ of an Idea: Germs are named for their discover, Johann van de Germ, the Austrian science hobbyist who built his own microscope out of plywood, rubber bands, and an existing microscope. Naturally, he was shocked to see his skin crawling with miniature monstrosities and spent his life trying to cleanse himself by bathing in moonlight.

Harmful Helpers: Although germs are actively working to undermine your body's health, some germs are actually necessary. Nicknamed "white blood cells," these scheming parasites smuggle oxygen from your lungs and hide it in your brain, where it's converted into memory nodes that can store state capitals and all eight years of your childhood.

Outrageously Contagious: Like dandelion seeds and wishes, germs are carried by the wind. To protect your family, avoid all physical and emotional contact with those around you. If you must hug your children, do so using two curved metal affection rods (available at all pharmacies) or hug them with words by writing them a check for $15.