Humans maintain their bodies for the same reasons they maintain their houses: to keep the neighbors friendly and to disguise the fact that an alien lives inside them. Disguise extraterrestrial tenancy with today's Groupon: for $99, you get three LipoLaser treatments on one body area at Inspyre Health in Spartanburg (a $570 value).

Inspyre Health deftly dissolves fat with an MR4 medical laser, quickly slimming and sculpting peskily plump areas. Forty-minute sessions use cold-laser technology to pierce fat cells, allowing lipids to escape overcrowded cells as swiftly as a claustrophobic spy. Each treatment can flush 40–60 grams of fat—equivalent to 400–500 calories—back into the lymphatic system. While a technician gently moves paddles across the target area, patients lie back on comfortable tables while reading, listening to music, or using moments of repose to update mental frenemy lists. Afterward, 10 minutes on a whole-body-vibration platform keeps muscles working and evicted lipids from shacking up with other cells. Most patients begin to see results within two or three treatments, and Inspyre Health typically recommends nine sessions for full effectiveness.