At some point in your life you may be asked to give a toast at a wedding, a retirement party, or a child’s formal ear-piercing ceremony. Here are some rules for making your toast memorable:

Get Their Attention: Before you start speaking, ask everyone to tone down their conversations, portable radios, and violent internal monologues. Also, hit your wine glass with a knife to remind people that drinking alcohol is the biggest distraction of all.

Stay Calm: Speaking in front of a crowd can be nerve-racking. Lessen the tension by imagining everyone in their underwear and yourself as a casting director for underwear models. Point to the people who you think have potential.

Speak from the Heart: Tell a candid, hilarious story about a time when the guest of honor had an embarrassing encounter with an animal or experienced a medical emergency during an important work meeting.

Clink Your Glass: Shove your glass into the glass of the person sitting next to you. If you’re able to hit someone’s glass hard enough to make them spill their drink, they must spend 12 consecutive minutes giving you a firm yet gentle neck rub.