According to Newton's Fourth Law, the more you drive your car, the more debris it attracts. Smooth your horseless carriage's exterior with today's Groupon: $30 for five "The Works" washes at Richie's Express Carwash in Parker (a $60 total value).

The five Works washes ($12 each) pamper autos via a more-than-100-foot-long tunnel and the tender care most people reserve for friends, pets, and lonely mail carriers. Vehicles get a thorough exterior power and soft-cloth wash that scrubs the bugs off the grill and outsides, gets the grime off the wheels with Wheel Brite, applies rust inhibitor, rubs the muck off the underbody, and dries it all hands-free via fan. The complimentary vacuuming vacuums up car debris and globs of peanut butter embedded in the carpet before Richie's detail devotees slather rides with a thick, clear coat until they gleam brighter than burning barrels of peanut butter. If your car doesn't emerge clean and shiny, Richie's will rewash it until it does.

Due to the sizing restrictions of the tunnel, Richie's cannot accept full-size vans, duelies, Hummers, or trucks with oversized racks. Pick-up-truck beds must be clean before washing. This Groupon is only redeemable at Richie's Parker location.

Reviews

Three Yelpers give Richie's Express Carwash 4.5 stars, and a lone Yahoo! Local gives it a perfect five:

• First express carwash that gets your car clean and dry. Stay in your car which makes the wash fast, less than 4-5 minutes. Car is dried with powerful hot blowers so nobody touches your car. Great experience. – Yahoo! Local user
• Just and [sic] update that I still love these guys and they always do a great job with a smile on their faces. – James H., Yelp

Beyond "Wash Me"

If some young rapscallion in possession of a finger violated your precious windshield grime by tracing within it the tired trope wash me, well then, good sir or madam, the joke is on them. There are a number of far-more-sophisticated slanders to scrawl in scum, such as:

• "Your purchase of this hybrid luxury SUV pays laughable lip-service to notions of long-term environmental sustainability."

• "The DVDs on the back seat of your car indicate a poor awareness of how DVDs are cared for, as well as questionable taste in cinema. Madagascar 2, truly? Even if the intended recipient is a child (or children), surely they would be better served and delighted by the depth and richness of Cocteau's 1946 masterpiece, La Belle et la Bête, or the surreal and challenging animation of La Planète Sauvage, both available from the Criterion Collection. For more suggestions, please email me at [your email address]."

• "You drive like a Royalist might have, should the American Revolution have occurred in the age of automobiles…backward!" (Note: Ellipsis points are thumbprints.)